Howdy-do, fellow hipsters! ::hops off the water skis which I’m about to use to jump over a shark.:: I gathered you here today to talk about energy, not any kind of energy—dick energy. I know you’ve been getting a lot of information from The Streets but I’m here to give it to you straight. The big talk around the playground has been about Big Dick Energy, a phrase that comes from ::checks notes:: Twitter (where else) and was then applied to Pete Davidson after Ariana Grande revealed (on Twitter) that he had a large organic eggplant. Wow, sex ed sure has changed from when I was in school when we learned about anatomy by drawing a face on a volleyball and then breaking for lunch.

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In any case, Big Dick Energy, or BDE as scientist call it, is that undeniable confidence a person can possess regardless of anatomy. Why is it called BDE and not just Swagger? Because Swagger has been trademarked by Beyoncé (BDE Supreme) since 2013 and we’re not trying to get sued.

There’s a lot of debate about who has and doesn’t have BDE. (Does John Legend? Does Chrissy Teigen? Do they both?) And that’s all well and good, but the discussion ignores the larger taxonomy of Dick Energies.

Fortunately, Leonardo DiCaprio (Dick Energy Flux) and Brad Pitt (Dick Energy Emeritus) are here to remind us of the wide world of DEs and all the various subsets. Today Leo posted the first photo from his new film Once Upon a Time in Hollywood and it is a textbook example of Whiskey Dick Energy.

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What is Whiskey Dick Energy, or WDE? Well, I’m glad you asked! ::crack knuckles, turns a chair around backwards and sits in it.::

Whiskey Dick Energy is that thing that occurs at the intersection of Pure Dick Energy and a “Sup?” text from someone you haven’t spoken to in years. It’s also known in The Streets as Last Call Dick Energy or Sagger. Whiskey Dick Energy will definitely hype you up and then ghost you. Whiskey Dick Energy is all fore and no play. Whiskey Dick Energy, in the form of an equation is [potential times disappointment over hon, you know better to the power of but damn zaddy.]

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In the photo from the Quentin Tarantino (Nope) film that, inexplicably, is packed to the gills with stars, Leo and Brad Pitt pose in ’70s gear, giving you Robert Redford realness in leather and demin jackets. It’s alluring, it’s swarthy, and, kids, it’s deceiving. Whiskey Dick Energy is that thing where someone is definitely in possession of Some Dick Energy, perhaps even Big Dick Energy, but chances are will end up playing you and catching an Uber home.

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Why does Whiskey Dick Energy happen? Scientists don’t know. Like the Infinity Stones, Dick Energy is a mysterious and volatile force that is ultimately not as impressive as Vibranium. Whiskey Dick Energy is one of the many permutations that can confound and entrap. Ever thought a dude had swagger only to have him confess he didn’t “get” Parks and Rec? Whiskey Dick Energy. Ever put all your confidence behind a politician whom you believe shared your values and passion for justice only to have them back-pedal and kowtow to lobbyists? WDE strikes again. How about when you order a pizza and all the cheese is stuck to the top of the lid? Uh, sure. Whiskey Dick Energy.

Cake wrecks: Whiskey Dick Energy

Taco Bell: Whiskey Dick Energy

Timothée Chalamet in Lady Bird only: Whiskey Dick Energy

Joey Tribiani: Whiskey Dick Energy

Matthew McConaughey: Whiskeyest Dickest Most Energetic

Is Whiskey Dick Energy a bad thing? As Dumbledore (Wizard Dick Energy) said, “It is a beautiful and terrible thing, and should therefore be treated with caution.” By the way, Grindelwald? Whiskey Dick Energy for days. Master of the Whiskey Dick Energetic Arts.

So, why does this photo of Leo and Brad have Whiskey Dick Energy? Because if there’s anyone who is more likely play with your feelings than Brad Pitt and Leo DiCaprio, it’s Brad Pitt and Leo DiCaprio looking like sexy 70s scumbags. Would you answer their “U up?” DM? Absolutely. Would they then leave you on read? Whiskey Dick Energy says yes.

Thanks for coming to my TED Talk about Dick Energy, fellow hipsters. Stay safe out there and keep your Dick Energy up.

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